How to Make Friends as an Adult Woman
Making friends after school and university can feel strangely hard, especially after a move, a breakup or a new baby. Here is why it matters for your health, where adult women find their people, and how to keep friendships going once you have them.
TL;DR: Loneliness is common and it affects health, so wanting more friends is nothing to be shy about. Adult friendships grow from showing up to the same place repeatedly, so pick one or two regular activities, say yes to the second invitation, and be the one who follows up. Keeping friends takes small, steady effort, not grand gestures.
When you were younger, friends almost came free. You sat next to someone in JSS1 or Year 7, shared a hostel room at university, or joined a fellowship that met every week, and somehow you ended up close. Then adulthood happens. You relocate to Lagos for work, move from Nairobi to Manchester, get married, have a baby, or simply watch your old crew scatter across time zones. One day you realise there is nobody nearby you would call to grab suya on a Friday. If that is you, you are in very good company, and it is fixable.
Is loneliness a health issue or just a feeling?
It is both. The World Health Organization's Commission on Social Connection reported in 2025 that about 1 in 6 people worldwide are affected by loneliness, and linked it to an estimated 871,000 deaths a year. The same report found that people who are lonely are twice as likely to have depression, and that loneliness and isolation raise the risk of stroke, heart disease and diabetes.
One detail stands out for many of our readers: the WHO found loneliness is about twice as common in low-income countries, at roughly 24 percent, as in high-income countries. So the friend who seems to have a full house and a busy family WhatsApp group may still feel lonely. Loneliness is about the connection you feel, not the number of people around you.
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
Mostly because adult life removes the conditions that made friendship easy. Friendships tend to grow when you see the same people regularly, without much planning, in a relaxed setting. School and university gave you all three. Work and family life rarely do.
There is also simple maths. Research by communication professor Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas found it takes roughly 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, around 90 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends. Hours spent hanging out counted more than hours spent working side by side. That is not a reason to give up. It is a reason to stop expecting one great brunch to turn a stranger into your best friend.
Places adult women find their people
The trick is to choose settings where you will see the same faces again and again. A one-off event is nice. A weekly thing is where friendships grow.
- Classes and courses. A weekly dance class, a pottery or painting course, a language class, or a coding bootcamp. Shared learning gives you something to talk about from day one.
- Church, mosque and faith communities. For many African women, this is already the biggest social network in their lives. Go beyond the main service: join the choir, a women's fellowship, a Bible or Quran study group, or the welfare committee. Small groups are where people get to know you.
- Running and walking clubs. Run clubs are a popular way to meet people in many cities, and plenty welcome total beginners. You get endorphins, a routine, and the same group every Saturday morning.
- Book clubs. Reading the same book gives everyone an easy conversation starter, and a monthly meeting creates a natural rhythm. If you cannot find one, start one with two colleagues and ask each of them to bring a friend.
- Diaspora and alumni groups. If you have moved abroad, look for groups for your country, your language or your old school or university in your new city. There is something comforting about people who understand your jokes, your food and your mother's voice notes.
- Volunteering. Mentoring, a food bank, or a charity that matters to you. Working towards something together builds trust quickly.
- Your existing circles. Ask a friend to introduce you to her friends. Say yes to the colleague who invites you to her birthday dinner. Friends of friends are some of the easiest new friends to make.
How to go from friendly to friends
Meeting people is the first step. Turning them into friends takes a little courage, because someone has to make the first move. Let it be you.
Suggest something specific. "We should hang out sometime" rarely happens. "Do you want to get small chops after class next week?" often does. Swap numbers, then follow up within a few days while the conversation is still fresh.
Say yes to the second invitation, even if the first meeting felt a bit awkward. Early friendship often feels awkward. That is normal, not a sign it is not working.
Share a little more each time. Friendships deepen when people open up gradually, a small worry, a funny story about your family, how your week is going beneath the polite answer. You do not have to tell a near stranger everything, but you do have to let her know you.
How do I keep friendships going when life gets busy?
Small, regular contact matters more than big gestures. A voice note on the way to work, a meme that made you think of her, remembering her job interview and asking how it went. These little moments keep a friendship warm between meetups.
A few habits that help:
- Put friends in the calendar. A standing monthly dinner, a weekly call, or a yearly trip. If the planning feels like a lot, our guide to planning a girls' trip can help.
- Host simple things. You do not need a big party. A relaxed evening with food and games works beautifully, and our ideas for hosting a girls' night in keep it easy.
- Show up in hard seasons. Friendships are often made or lost during illness, grief, a new baby or a breakup. A plate of jollof dropped at the door counts.
- Let some friendships be seasonal. Not every friend will be a lifelong friend, and that is fine. Some people are there for a chapter, and that still matters.
When loneliness needs more than new plans
Sometimes loneliness sits alongside something heavier. If you feel low most days, have lost interest in things you used to enjoy, or find it hard to get out of bed, that may be depression rather than simply needing more company. Our guides to anxiety and depression in women and talking about mental health with an African family are good places to start, and if cost is a barrier, see our roundup of affordable therapy options in Lagos, Nairobi and London.
If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself, contact a doctor, a crisis line in your country, or emergency services straight away. You do not have to wait until things are worse to ask for help.
Making friends as an adult is slower than it used to be, and it asks you to be a little brave. But every close friend you have now was once a stranger. Pick one place, show up a few times, and send that first message.
Sources
- World Health Organization. Social connection linked to improved health and reduced risk of early death (2025). who.int
- University of Kansas. Study reveals number of hours it takes to make a friend (2018), reporting Hall JA, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. news.ku.edu
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